My Burns Supper Speech
Since my family decided to have a Burns Supper for some reason, there was some speech-making to be done. My sister’s boyfriend delivered an excellent address of the haggis, the honor of giving the speech in honor of the author fell to me, and my sister provided a heartfelt and appropriately cheesy thanks to the cook.
I should mention that I am not too familiar with Burns, and had/have no idea of his actual biography. Being too lazy to do some actual research, the only thing I knew was that he is one of Scotland’s most revered sons, so my little speech sounded a lot like the following:
I want to tell you a bit of a story, to give you some insights into the relevance of Robert Burns.
Mr. Burns was born a long time ago. Usually depicted as the original Pterodactyl-rider, his career started a long time before that. Although it has been disputed by some rather inbred scientists, it is my firm conviction, as well as a fact, that Burns was the one who convinced Pangaea to split up.
While raising dinosaurs, a small velociraptor-chick scratched his left pinky toe, so he decided to pull all dinosaurs’ claws, teeth and genitalia to avoid further inconveniences. Of course he was aware that this would lead to their extinction – but this had the pleasant side effect of providing quite a bit of meat, which he grilled on a stone oven – that coincidentally was the volcano where the great and evil lord Xenu would later drop the captured Thetans.
The smoke of his BBQ caused the ice age, which after the long and hot years he had spent during the formation of the planet, was a welcome change.
After the climate recovered from the first Burns supper, so to speak, he decided to personally kick the Neanderthal’s ass with his Scotch-Fu and teach the Homo Sapiens a bit of agriculture, because – let’s face it – they have the hotter chicks. Then he invented the wheel.
Around 2000 years ago, he decided to reincarnate, because he had never done that before, and after causing a bit of commotion in the middle east and leading to the conversion of the Roman empire, he invented a time machine in order to skip the dark ages – their dark and brutal nature were, of course, brought on by his absence from the world during that time. Had not yet, though, invented the paradox. Instead he decided to go to 1991 and watched Saturday morning cartoons for a few centuries.
Some time later he thought it would be interesting to look what was on the other side of this giant rock we stand on, and discovered that some of the nice ladies he had met earlier had travelled to other places as well. He also got into art a bit, but he was not really satisfied with his drawings, sculptures and inventive concepts, so he published them under ridiculous pseudonyms he took out of a particularly silly saturday morning cartoon featuring shelled reptiles engaging in martial arts and devouring Amercian-Italian fusion cuisine.
He was, however, satisfied with his cooking and recipes, particularly puddings featuring a wide variety of innards, and also his poetry. No wonder, therefore, that his greatest masterpiece was a result of combining the two. This was indeed a work worthy of his name!
After writing a bit of music, inventing sarcasm, defeating Hitler and reducing Pluto to a dwarf planet, he decided to go into acting. He is the only actual actor featured on the popular show “the Simpsons”.
He now also spends his days coming up with stupid things for Paris Hilton to say and for Richard Lugner to do, although even he has run a bit low of material, so he got bored and took a box of blue crayons and drew a little thumb cinema movie in his notebook which has now been released and received a few Oscars.
So Mr. Robert Montgomery Burns of Springfield, Scotland – we applaud you, thank you for this lovely occasion as well as the earth’s magnetic field, and wish you all the best for the upcoming Zombie apocalypse!
All present (so polite!) seemed to enjoy it, and my father asked me to post it.
